Winner of the One - Act Play Competition 2007

LUNACY AT LAVENDER LODGE

by Betty Gibbons

Characters: Mr Michael Patrick an aged deaf reprobate.

Mrs Mary Ross a retired schoolteacher, fussy, a snob and also deaf.

Miss Patricia Ross daughter of Mary. A government employee.

Jenny Jones a nurse.

Betty Brown a nursing aid.

Elsie Weir a domestic worker

The action takes place one Saturday afternoon.

Setting: The sitting room of Lavender Lodge home for the aged. There are three comfortable armchairs grouped around a coffee table. A large portable T. V. is near to the end chair on the left. Quality reproductions of famous paintings hang on the back and side walls. Exit doors are on the left and right of apron stage.

Costumes: Mr Patrick is shabbily dressed in pyjamas, a worn stained dressing gown, and down at heel slippers. He is bald, but has a long, thick grizzled, white beard. Mrs Ross is smartly dressed in a silk pleated dress and matching jacket. She wears ropes of pearls and flashing diamond rings. Her hair is immaculately waved and curled. She wears a hearing aid and walks with a four pronged stick.

The nurses and domestic worker are in uniform.

Miss Ross wears a tailored suit and a high-necked white blouse. She is middle aged.

íííííííííí

(Enter right: Nurse Jones guiding Mr Patrick who is using a walking frame.)

Nurse Jones Here we are Mr Patrick. Ill put you in the chair nearest the T.V. and you can enjoy the races. Gently does it. She propels him into the chair. Have you got your hearing aid – no? Ill go and get it.

Mr Patrick Thank ye kindly my little colleen.

Nurse Jones That’s okay, I’ll switch on the Tele when I get back. She exits right.

(Mr Patrick starts to sing quite loudly) When Irish eyes are smiling, sure its like a morn in Spring.

(Enter left – Mrs Ross on the arm of Nurse Brown.)

Mrs Ross What is he doing here? I don’t want him here. My daughter will be here soon and we need to be alone. Besides he spoils the tone of the place.

Mr Patrick Top of the morning to ye Betty and to you Mrs Sourpuss.

Mrs Ross What did he say? Is he going?

Nurse Brown (seating Mrs Ross carefully on the chair furthest from Mr Patrick). There there Mrs Ross, Mr Patrick was wishing you top of the morning.

Mrs Ross Silly man, it’s afternoon, he must be senile. I’ve only been here two days and he’s making free with me already. I’ve met men like him before. Make him leave. My daughter will be here directly.

Nurse Brown Now, now, don’t get upset. It’s Saturday, and Mr Patrick always comes in here to watch the races on T.V.

Mrs Ross He’s a dreadful old man and if he intrudes on my private conversation with my daughter I’ll report him to Matron.

(A sharp knock on the door and Patricia enters – left)

Patricia May I come in?

Mrs Ross Oh there you are Patricia, you’re late. This is my daughter nurse.

Nurse Brown Hello Miss Ross, your mother is settling in well with us. Have a nice visit. (She exits right)

Patricia (kisses Mrs Ross and sits in centre chair). Hello Mother, sorry I’m late. I missed the bus and had to get a taxi.

Mrs Ross Baxter! Baxter? Do you mean Julian Baxter? What has he to do with your visit?

Patricia No! No mother. I said I had to get a taxi.

Mrs Ross Taxi indeed, that’s a waste of money. What’s wrong with the bus?

Patricia Don’t worry about it Mother. I’m here now. Do you like Lavender Lodge? I do want you to be happy while I’m away. Its only for three weeks and the time will soon pass.

Mrs Ross Do stop mumbling Patricia. I can’t hear you, speak up dear.

Patricia I must get you some new batteries for your hearing aid. I’ll bring them in tomorrow before I leave.

Mrs Ross You’re leaving already. You’ve only just arrived. You must stay; I have something very important to tell you. Oh, just look at that horrible old man scratching. I think he’s got fleas.

Patricia Shush mother, he may hear you. (She turns towards Mr Patrick) Good afternoon. It’s Mr Patrick isn’t it…?

Mr Patrick What was that, the old lady said? She’s only been here a couple of days and she’s never stopped complaining. Did she say fleas?

Patricia We were saying it’s almost time for afternoon tea. I think Rosy will be bringing it quite soon.

Mrs Ross Ignore him Patricia he hasn’t lost a teaspoon, more like he’s lost his mind.

Patricia No mother, no one has lost a teaspoon. I said Rosy will bring tea soon.

Mrs Ross Good, then he should leave us and go to his own room, (speaking loudly to Mr Patrick). Excuse me, my good man, you should now go to your own room. This sitting room is engaged.

Mr Patrick To whom have you become engaged madam?

Mrs Ross What effrontery, pretending he can’t hear. Tell him Patricia we want to be alone. Get rid of him.

Patricia Hush mother. He’s entitled to be here. He lives here.

Mr Patrick Its a very nice day Miss.

Patricia Actually, it’s pouring with rain.

Mr Patrick I didn’t catch that my dear. Did you say you came by train? I love trains. I remember once going from London to Scotland by train. Grand it was…

Mrs Ross Don’t talk to him Patricia, you’re here to visit me. He’s obnoxious. I can’t bear to look at him undressed. Why isn’t he dressed? Everyone else is properly dressed. It’s not fitting. He should be made to wear day clothes. I will have a word to Matron about him.

Mr Patrick She’s your mother is she? A fussy little body she is, and bossy too. I’m sorry to tell you my dear that I don’t care for her.

Mrs Ross Impudent rascal. What’s he saying?

Patricia I think he said you have nice hair.

Mrs Ross Yes, he’s speaking the truth. I’ve always had nice hair. Men have always admired my hair. I thought he was saying something derogatory about me.

Patricia Mother dear he is really a very pleasant gentleman.

Mr Patrick Thank you my dear. I heard that, even though I am without my hearing aid. I think young Jenny has gone off duty and forgotten me….

Mrs Ross Why does he keep on so? I don’t like him monopolising you Patricia, I wish he would go elsewhere.

Mr Patrick Oh, so you’ve met Elsie Weir have you? She’s a good little worker and she’s on duty today. I wager you a pound to a penny she’ll be bringing our tea today. It won’t be Rosy at all, at all, it will be Elsie.

Mrs Ross I think I can hear the tea trolley rattling. Thank goodness for that, now he will stop his ridiculous chatter. Silly old goat.

Mr Patrick Going on a boat are you? I like a cruise myself.

Mrs Ross Oh do be quiet you nasty man.

Mr Patrick Japan, you’re going to Japan? No I can’t say I’ve been there. I went on a lovely cruise once though, when I was young.

Patricia Where did you go Mr Patrick?

Mr Patrick To France. Sure and I’m telling you a lie, really it was a weekend trip to Paris. Took a party of boys on a cultural tour. I was teaching then. Met a fine little filly there by the name of Ginger, she was a beauty….

Mrs Ross For goodness sake ignore him Patricia and pay attention to me. You’ll be gone before we have time to talk. I have important things to tell you. He’s just talking rubbish.

Patricia He was saying he’d been to Paris, France.

Mrs Ross So what. I’ve been to France too. Its a terrible place. (Entering left, Elsie carrying loaded tea tray.)

Elsie Hello Mrs Ross and Mr Patrick. Who’s the lucky one to have a visitor? Matron said there was a visitor with you so I’ve brought an extra cup. Let me be mother today. I’ll pour for you. Lovely home made shortbread biscuits I have for you – melt in your mouth they will.

Mrs Ross Elsie, shouldn’t Mr Patrick be taking tea in the dining room? This is my daughter Patricia. She is my visitor. He hasn’t any visitors. He is…

Elsie (interrupting) Well that is nice Mrs Ross, you, sharing your visitor with Mr P. He doesn’t have any visitors, having no kith or kin in Australia. Very kind of you indeed, sharing your visitor with him. Have a nice time. Bye for now. (She exits).

Patricia (passing the biscuits) These look good. Do have one mother. How about you Mr Patrick?

Mr Patrick Thank you my dear. Did I finish telling you about my trip to Paris and my meeting with sweet Ginger? She was a cracker.

Mrs Ross Ginger snaps indeed. What’s wrong with the shortbreads? I’m enjoying them. I like ginger in some things, I used to make a very good Ginger Fluff years ago. Aunty Nell gave me the recipe and it always turned out well. I like crystallized ginger, haven’t tasted it for years. Will you bring some when you come tomorrow? Id like some walnuts too to eat with it.

Patricia Right mother, I’ll just write that down so I won’t forget.

Mrs Ross You shouldn’t forget at your age you’re only fifty four. Its when you get to my age you become a little forgetful.

Mr Patrick Is she bossing you about my dear? I’ve already noticed how bossy she is. It was a characteristic of Ginger too. My oh my, she was clever. She had that class of girls organised on that ferry trip to France, like clockwork. When she trilled out her orders they jumped to it, not a cheep out of them. I remember it like yesterday although it must be nigh on fifty years since I took that trip. Where was I? Oh yes, telling you about sweet Ginger. She called to those girls in her lovely, husky voice. Come on Wade Deakin Grammar, fall into line. Be gorra she was good. I fell into line. I did, I did, fell for her in a big way. Not that when I got to know her, I told her my true name. No point in getting caught up with the ladies when you’re young and fancy free…

Mrs Ross My Lord, Patricia, why are you encouraging him? He mumbles into his beard and the only words I heard were Wade Deakin.

Patricia He was talking about his youth and he did say something about someone from Wade Deakin.

Mrs Ross What would he know about England’s schools, he’s supposed to be Irish. I know his sort, trying to get around you. He’s pretending you’re his visitor.

Mr Patrick If only I’d followed up on Ginger I wouldn’t be alone in my old age. She was a lovely colleen she was, she was. Hair like new pennies, eyes like the emerald isles, lips as soft as rose petals. If only I’d married her, perhaps I’d have a lovely daughter like you to visit me. Ah well…(He falls asleep.)

Mrs Ross Will you look at that. What a pathetic specimen he is. I suppose he will begin snoring any moment. What was he saying? Was he talking about my hair?

Patricia No mother, he was reminiscing about his lost love.

Mrs Ross Stupid man. What did he say about her?

Patricia He said she was a lovely young woman. He met her on a ferry going to France when he was on a school excursion. Her name was Ginger. Look mother, he’s fast asleep now poor old fellow. Let’s get back to our conversation. What was it you wanted to tell me? I hope you’re not worried about your short stay here. I’ll have you home in no time.

(Mrs Ross is staring intently at the sleeping Mr Patrick)

Patricia Mother, are you listening? I said I’ll have you home in no time.

Mrs Ross Oh! Oh! Oh! Patricia. I’m going to faint.

Patricia Mother you look dreadful, what is it? Are you ill? I’ll call the nurse.

Mrs Ross No! No! I don’t need the nurse. Its him. (pointing to Mr Patrick.) He is bloody Curly Michael, calling himself Mr Patrick now. The scoundrel.

Patricia Hush mother, you’ll wake him. What do you mean? Who is he? Why are you so upset? Do you think you’ve met before…?

Mrs Ross (staring at Mr Patrick) Met before, that’s a joke. Its him alright. Its got to be him. Take all that grizzled hair off his face and stick it on his head and its Curly Michael. The filthy beast. Came to my room in the middle of the night, claimed he had toothache. I gave him oil of cloves, but it didn’t work he said. Then he was cold he said, sweet talked himself into my bed….

Patricia Mother it isn’t true you’ve dreamt it. Mr Patrick is too old to go wandering about looking for toothache cures…

Mrs Ross Be quiet Patricia and listen to me. I am talking about the hotel in France. He seduced me I tell you. He’s a rogue - he ruined my life. I was going to tell you my secret today. I thought you might leave me here to die. I don’t want to die in a nursing home. You owe it to me to take care of me Patricia. I took great care of you all your young life. I emigrated to Australia for your sake. Coming to this unknown land to live with Aunty Nell. Pretending I was a war widow. It was all for you, to protect you. You can’t leave me here…

Patricia Shush mother dear. You won’t be staying here. Its only temporary, while I’m away on my course for three weeks. You’re over tired. You mustn’t worry so much. You are mistaken about Mr Patrick dear. Its your mind playing tricks on you. You said yourself as you get older you become forgetful. Its your mind playing tricks mother.

Mrs Ross Playing tricks nothing! That’s him I tell you. He called me his sweet little Ginger because of my red hair. I told him my name was Mary, but no, he insisted on calling me Ginger. Told me his name was Curly Michael, the cunning dog. My God! What a mess I’m in.

Patricia Mother you’re mistaken. Please listen to me. Forget it, put it out of your mind.

Mrs Ross (almost screaming) Put it out of my mind. Where are your brains Patricia? Can’t you hear what I’m saying? THAT PATHETIC SNORING OLD GOAT IS YOUR FATHER!

(Mr Patrick snores loudly)